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Sunday, December 30, 2007

What would you relive?

Ok, so one of my favorite bloggers Helen (of the famous Helen and the Lemonheads! You've heard of them, right??) talked about this movie that she had seen years ago, and the concept of the movie was that when we die, we get to relive one day, again and again.

So of course it got me thinking, which would I choose?

Would it be my wedding day, where I "officially" started my life with the most amazing man out there? On one hand I thought, what a great day to pick! Every single person in the world that are near and dear to us were a part of that day. (Alright, maybe a few missed it due to being stuck in 2 feet of snow!) But let's be honest, would I really want to relive a day forever without Jake and Hailey in it?

Of course not, so let's move on. That leaves me approximately 9 months of days to choose from.

As amazing as their birth day was, I wouldn't pick that one, because for 12 hours of it, I wasn't allowed to see them. I'm not wasting 12 hours out of the 24 I get to relive sitting in a hospital room watching Maury Povich say "You are NOT the father of her baby!"

So, I almost in full want to eliminate the first 3 months. As special as some of those moments were, I was sleep deprived. And I don't want to spend my eternity in a sleep deprived state, because well, that would just suck. I could barely handle it for 3 months!

So that leaves about 5-6 months of days to choose from. So which one do I choose? I decided to think about what would be my perfect day with them. It would obviously be a weekend, so that both me and Eric would be home with the kids. It would be my morning to sleep in, because again, I'm not so good with the sleep deprivation thing. So I sleep in, and wake up around 9am to find the kids in great spirits, hanging out with Daddy. Then about a half hour after lots of hugs and kisses and tickles from mommy, the kids would go down for a decent nap. Because good naps = happy babies = happy parents!

The rest of the day would be a lot of playing with kids, lots of kisses, lots of giggles, lots of good times. Nothing extravagent, no journeys outside the house, no people visiting. Just me and my family. It would not be a bath night, cause sometimes baths are a pain in the ass. But I would get to feed Hailey, who would slowly eat her bottle until she fell asleep in my arms. And for a few minutes, I would get to cuddle with her. It's something I fully can not do with her when she is awake, because the girl is a sparkplug and is always on the move. The last thing she wants to do during her waking hours is cuddle with me.

So after she finishes her bottle, I lay her on my chest and snuggle with her as she sleeps. She always turns her face towards me when she sleeps on me, so I kiss her lips endlessly. I kiss her soft hair, and her chubby cheeks and her slightly parted lips. I would then bring her upstairs, place her in her crib, and put on her lullaby music. Downstairs, Daddy would be finished feeding Jake, and he would be asleep in Daddy's arms. I would take him from Daddy (hey, it's my day to relive!) and spend some quality cuddle time with my man. I would kiss and squeeze him, rubbing his buddha belly and breathing in his perfect scent (formula and all!) Then I would bring my baby boy up to bed, and place him sleeping in the crib next to his sister. And we wouldn't hear a peep until morning.

And Eric and I would get some much needed alone time, with our two perfect babies asleep in the room down the hall.

Now ya know what the best part about it is? This isn't really a fantasy day. This is a day I have lived many many times in the last 6 months. I didn't realize it as anything super special at the time. It was just another day in our life with twins. But it's beyond special! And I am glad I wrote this post, because it is helping me to see how these typical days in our life become absolutely perfect relivable days when faced with not having them anymore.

So that's my day. A very typical, very normal day in my life with my husband and my twins is the day that I would want to experience for all eternity.

What's your day?


Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Boy do I love me some Christmas

This post is going to start with a request. The wonderful Jenna, that so many of you know from the blogging community has made a simple request.

The background:
Five for Fighting (the music group) is using their voice in a
wonderfully altruistic way by organizing ,
a project aimed at empowering people through the technology of
videography. Regular people, like you and me are creating videos to
help share their experiences with others. These people are putting themselves out there for the world to see in the hopes that others will learn and appreciate their struggles with autism.

Jenna's friend has a son that was recently diagnosis with Autism. Her friend has created a video that is beautiful and touching. I started crying pretty quickly after it started. But more importantly, if you have 3 minutes: View their video, Ordinary Miracles. Each time their video is viewed (and all the videos for that matter), a donation is made to their charity of choice ~ in this case, Autism Speaks.

It's such a short easy wasy to help a very worthwhile cause. Thanks!

Now, on to Christmas. Fun times over here at the Dunn house. First of all, our cookie baking extravaganza went off swimmingly! We made a ton of good stuff, had fun, and the kids were all good! So yeah for us for continuing the tradition.

Christmas Eve we went down to see Eric's family during the day. We were able to exchange gifts with most of his family and spend some time since we weren't going to see them Christmas Day. Hailey was dressed to the nines but Jake was a bit more casual. He was wearing a onesie given to him by the ever inappropriate Aunt Chrissy! It says "You Should See My Package!" LOVE IT!



We had a nice time visiting with Eric's family and got lots of nice gifts. But the kids didn't nap great during the day, so by the time we left, we really needed to get them home and to bed. We were planning on stopping by my cousins on the way home, but the kids and time did not allow it, so we just headed home. We ended up ordering chinese food, and Eric and I cuddled and watched Scrooge. It's one of our favorite Christmas movies. I love all the music. It was nice to have a lazy night on Christmas Eve. Usually we are so busy so it was nice to be able to just be low key while the babes slept.

Christmas morning started bright and early. The twins woke us up about 630am and we changed them into their ADORABLE christmas pjs, courtesy of Brian and Jess (thanks!). We fed them, and then propped them on the floor to open all their gifts. They could care less about the gifts, mostly they just wanted to eat the paper. All was good until Jake was sitting up and promptly just fell straight back banging his head on the floor. He screamed bloody murder! We have carpet on our hard wood, but it's pretty thin and flimsy. Poor little guy. But he was ok in a few minutes. Here's a pic of them getting ready to open gifts.
Twins on Christmas

And here is a picture of them after they opened all their gifts.
Twins on Christmas

And of course, playing with the wrapping paper!
Twins on Christmas

We had a nice Christmas morning, but holy crap! do we need to get a lot of stuff together to get out of the house for the day. We went to my parents house for Christmas, and at first it was just us, my sis and her husband and my brother. We all opened our gifts. It was beyond overwhelming. I think the first half hour was just me opening gifts for the twins. My sister and bro-in-law and my brother gave us some much needed gift cards for Babies R Us, as well as really cute toys.

My parents, as always, went WAY above and beyond. She bought a ridiculous amount of clothes for the kids, which they REALLY need, and then so many toys! I swear, these kids are not going to want for anything! I am always overwhelmed by their generosity. I think my mom has been waiting so long to be a Grandma just so she can spoil these children rotten. And really, who am I to stop her? We also got a lot of really nice gifts for Eric and myself.

I loved giving lots of gifts to my family. I gave a lot of baby related gifts. I made everyone in my family a calendar of the twins and tried to personalize them to the recipient. I think they came out really nice. Plus I got ornaments made with the kids heads on them. Then I gave my sister an Aunt Brag Book, and put some pics in it for her. My dad really needed a new wallet, so I got him one and loaded it up with wallet size baby pics. He loved it! I was able to take advantage of where I work, and get my mom beautiful earrings and necklace that came in the lovely blue box. Really, who doesn't love getting a gift in the blue box?? I even bought myself a Christmas gift from work. Because I deserve it!

After we opened gifts with my family, my mom's cousin and his wife came over, and their son with his 2 sons. Also our close family friends Deanna, Cherisse and her husband Scott joined us. Then our friends Jan and Joan came for dessert. We had a lovely day, and ate way too much food. My mom is Italian, and cooks like no ones business. We had dips/chips/crackers/cheese etc when we got there. Then we had antipasto/shrimp/mozz and peppers/ etc for the first course. Second course was manicotti, meatballs, sausage and pork. And then the last course was Lamb with tomatos and potatoes with broccoli casserole. I NEVER make it to the last course. I fill up on all the italian food and I'm done. Then we must have had 15 different desserts. I endulged in Creme de Menthe pie, pumpkin cheesecake and a Red Velvet cupcake.

The kids were so good. They didn't get good naps, they slept here and there in Aunt chrissy and Grandma's arms, but that was it. And they remained in such good spirits I was so proud of them! But around 730pm a breakdown started to occur, so we had to leave.

It was really a lovely Christmas. The only downside was this morning, when I realized that we took NO pics of Christmas at the parents. Well, Eric took a couple when we were opening gifts, and he took a lot of video, but I was sad to have not taken many pics of the babies with my family. Oh well, we've got plenty of time in the future for more pics! Here's a couple of cute one!


It was a lovely Christmas. Today is my least favorite day of the year, because it is the furthest one from Christmas. I hope that everyone had a wonderful wonderful holiday. I need a nap now!


Sunday, December 16, 2007

It's a Wonderful Life!

Sometimes I just stare at you. It's amazing. I think I have memorized every single inch of you. I love to look at your toes. I am obsessed with them. I love the soft way your hands feel in mine. I love kissing every last finger and toe. I love the way you search the room for me. The way that no matter who is holding you, you look around for your mommy. I love how you recognize things. Like me, and Daddy. Like your favorite toys. Like your blue monkey. I love playing with your perfect soft hair. I love the way you giggle when I tickle you. I love the way you giggle now, even before I tickle you, but just when I raise my hands like I am about to tickle you. I love the way you smile, and I see so many teeth. You are growing so quickly right before my eyes that is scares me. I could spend hours looking at you. I examine every inch of you. I am so in love with you. I never thought I would love any man as much as I love your daddy. I was wrong. Jake, you have fully stolen my heart. I thought I wouldn't know what to do with a little boy. I figured it out within one minute of your entrance to the world. I love you. That's all you need, and lucky for you, I have an abundance of love to give you. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by my love for you, I feel like I can't breathe. I had no idea, I really didn't. But since you have come into my life, I'm experienced a love that's impossible to put into words.

And you, little girl. You are a spitfire. Have been since the moment you came on the scene. You were the answer to my prayers. A little girl to love. How I dreamed of you for so long. You are beautiful beyond words. Those eyes of yours! They are huge and deep and intelligent. I love to watch you squirm around like a firecracker. Even though I'm dying to just take you in my arms and cuddle you, I love the fact that you won't let me. You can't be held down. You are always on the move, trying to discover everything within (and out of) your reach. You are going to challenge us, and test us, and I think you have so much of me inside of you that sometimes I get scared. But I'm excited. I'm so excited to see this wonderful, intelligent, independent, crazy girl that you will grow into. I am in awe of the strength you show all the time. You hurl yourself around the house, banging into things, and you never cry. You just try to find another way to get to wherever you are trying to go. And you love to dance! At least Daddy and I call it dancing. We hold you up, and you move those feet at top speed in time to whatever Daddy or I sing to you. You love to jump and bounce around. You make me tired just watching you move to much!

Sometimes I just have to stop and write down how I feel about you. Because as time goes on, and you get older, I want to remember how it felt. How every day I woke up and thanked my lucky stars for you both. How no matter how tired I was, or how crappy I felt, I couldn't wait to run into your room, and see your smiling faces so ready to get out of those cribs.

I want you to be the best of friends. Daddy and I put you down for a nap today and within 15 minutes, we heard you giggling. You had never done this before when you were supposed to be napping, so Daddy snuck in to see what was going on. You had both moved to the ends of the crib facing each other. And you were both popping your heads up over the crib bumper and laughing at each other. I almost cried because it made me realize how close I really want you two to be. You guys are so different, and yet I think you will compliment each other in a million ways.

You are the light of my life, the loves of my life and the cutest twins that have ever existed. I don't think I truly realized how much I was meant to be a mom, until you showed up. I don't think I truly realized how much I could love another person until you two showed up. I never ever want to forget how special this time is. Because it is going way too fast. I almost feel like you guys are toddlers, not babies. And I've been HORRIBLE at updating your baby books. So maybe this blog is your new baby book. Because one day I intend to let you read this. And you will know that every second that you existed, from the second you were created, you were loved and wanted.

On a side note, here are some milestones!
Hailey finally broke some teeth. A couple days ago those bottom 2 both broke through together. So current count, Jake: 6 - Hailey: 2 (well, the start of 2, anyway)!

Hailey is going to be moving way too soon! She is starting to push up on all fours and rock back and forth. I really think she is going to be jetting across the floor any day now.

The kids are eating 2 solid meals a day, Stage 2 fruits and veggies and meats. We finally gave them some puffs. Very disturbing. They cough and look like they are going to choke. They do eat them though. And are actually starting to chew them. But they look really disturbed by the whole process. Is it wrong that it makes us laugh?

On a non-baby note, we went out Saturday night to see It's a Wonderful Life, the musical at a local theater. It kinda sucked. I had high hopes. Probably shouldn't have. But it was fun just to get out with my friend Michele and her husband and my sis and bro-in-law.

Christmas shopping is done! Woo hoo! And I even finished with most of my wrapping. So that's a good thing! We went and bought the twins some stuff this weekend at Toys.R.Us. Nothing that exciting, just a few things to have under the tree. Not that they are going to have a clue what is going on on Christmas. But more so Eric and I can have fun stuff to video. We already got a preview of what Christmas morning is going to be like. I was wrapping gifts on the floor while the twins were playing, and Hailey was attacking the wrapping paper. She was eating it, ripping it, rolling around in it. We should have just bought them many rolls of wrapping paper for Christmas. Eric was wondering if it's awful that we were letter her bite it. She didn't swallow it, we took it away for her before that happened, but she was biting on it. That's probably no good, right?

Ok, this is getting way long. But here's the picture we used on their Christmas card. Don't you love it?? They looked so damn cute in their outfits! You can click on the picture for a link to TONS more pictures!
Christmas Twins

Here is a Christmas pic of the twins with Grandma and Opa ... love all these clothes!
Christmas Twins

Oh, and stop by and say Merry Christmas! There is a comments section below, and you can leave a comment even if you don't have an account. So say hi. I like to know if there is anyone out there.

Thanks for reading!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Book Tour #8: A Handmaid's Tale

Alright readers. Time again for the next book in our book tour. This month we read A Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. Very disturbing book, in my opinion. I think I read this book ages ago, but I didn't remember much about it at all, so I was anxious to read it again. The book takes place in a future society that is no longer the US, its called Gilead. In this new society, woman's place is in the home, literally. They can not hold jobs, positions, or have their own money. Somehow (they claim due to enviroment reasons) a lot of people are barren. Thus, the handmaids exist. These are woman who have been proven to have children, or are young and healthy enough that they should be able to have them. They are given to men called Commanders, whose wives are unable to have children. The handmaids are purely for reproduction. They are supposed to get pregnant, have the baby, give it to the commander and his wife. And move on to a new Commander. Disturbing to say the least. The book is told by Offred, one of the handmaids. Because her Commander is named Fred, her name becomes Offred. It would have changed, had she gone to another Commander. Before Gilead, she was married and had a young daughter. Because it was a second marriage, it was not honored, her daughter was taken away and given to a commander and his wife, and she had no idea where her husband was.

Here are the questions I choose to answer.

The structure of the civilization in the book seemed really eerie to me (and quite difficult to figure out). Even though the copyright in my book was 1985 and set in the 21st century, it seems to reflect some of the fears we have today. I found myself wondering if our country could really be in for a drastic "take-over" as represented in the book. What are your feelings about the society described in the book and do you think it is possible to have something like that happen in our country?
I was trying to figure this out too. Trying to figure out when this was supposed to be. This was such a disturbing book. It made me think about how after 9/11, I was so willing to give up certain freedoms so I could feel safer. It doesn't work that way though, does it? It's that mob mentality. People get so scared, that they become irrational trying to keep themselves safe. Like when the Aunt explains how there are "freedoms to" and "freedoms from". The old society (like our current one) the handmaid's had "freedom to". "Freedom to" work and live and marry and reproduce or not reproduce. The new society (Gilead) no longer offers woman "freedom to", but it does offer them "freedom from". "Freedom from" rape and murder and other unspeakable acts. Yes, of course those things are frightening and you wouldn't wish them on anyone, but at what cost would you go to protect yourself? Would you give up all your "freedom to's"?

Even though the rampant infertility is acknowledged to be largely due to environmental pollution, Gilead refuses to acknowledge the possibility of male infertility; if a Handmaid is unable to conceive with three Commanders, it is assumed that she is at fault and she is reassigned to the Colonies. How did this double standard resonate with you, if at all?

Frustrating. So frustrating. Even in our society I think this exists. Don't you think that most people assume if a couple can't get pregnant there is something wrong with the woman? I'm not sure why that is, but I feel like that is an assumption that is made. Gilead is a misogynistic society, so everything is the woman's fault in some way. They made the women admit that if they were raped, it was their fault. So being that was how the society was, it only made sense that they blamed the woman for the inability to become pregnant, not the man.

For all that the Handmaids are supposed to be serving the society's greater good and should be honored for that, they are looked down upon by just about everyone. Wives resent that the Handmaids do what they cannot, Marthas resent the time spent caring for them, Econowives resent them for the ease of existence they feel the Handmaids must enjoy. And the reverse is true as well, Handmaids resent the other women for having little freedoms they do not enjoy, whether it's control over a household, the ability to hold a knife and make radish roses, or to simply not be a possession without a name. Does this mutual resentment exist in the world of infertility? Do "fertiles" resent "infertiles" and vice versa? If so, in what way?
I think so. I'm not sure if fertiles resent infertiles, but I would be lying if I said I didn't resent it to some extent when people get pregnant on a whim. I don't blame them, I realize that fertiles don't get pregnant to spite me, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier. I guess I resent the ease that it takes for some people to have a family, versus how hard it is for some other people. And I resent the insensitivity. I feel like sometimes fertile people will wear like a badge of honor the fact that they fell on top of each other and got pregnant. Now, I don't think fertiles shouldn't be able to talk about how easy it was for them, but I guess it's one of those "consider your audience" type of things. If you are talking to a friend who is dealing with infertility, or miscarried recently maybe you could leave how the fact of how "easy" it was for you. Now to be fair, not everyone shares there story of infertility, so fertiles don't realize they should be sensitive. But going through infertility has stopped me from asking people "When are you going to have kids?" cause for a lot of people it's not a matter of just saying "Now" and getting knocked up. Now as far as fertiles resenting infertiles, I have seen comments on blogs about how fertiles love and appreciate their kids just as much as us infertiles do. This was due to a post about how much the woman appreciated her new baby, maybe more than a fertile would, because of how tough the journey to get to parenthood was. And the fertile commenter was pissed. So maybe fertiles resent the fact that we infertiles feel like we love our kids more, because we had to fight so damn hard to have them. That's just a guess though, cause I've never lived in the "fertile" camp.

The Handmaid's Tale is set against the backdrop of a dystopian society wherein religion and feminism has combined to lay down a strict set of roles for women. In what ways are your reproductive choices shaped by religion and/or feminism? In what way do you think religion and/or feminism shapes the way society views infertility? Is it plausible to you that religion and feminism could ever produce the type of society described in The Handmaid's Tale? Why/why not?
Oh, here is a question that could lead to some harsh commenters. But I still choose to answer it. First of all, I was raised Roman Catholic. I am certainly not practicing. According to

Reproductive Technologies in Disagreement with Catholic Teachings:
-- Obtaining a semen sample by means of masturbation
-- Artificial insemination using sperm from a donor (AID) or even the husband (AIH) if obtained by masturbation
-- In-vitro fertilization (IVF), zygote intra-fallopian transfer (ZIFT), and intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI), ovum donation, "surrogate" uterus

So see, I'm a bad Catholic. I had issue when it came time to baptize. My mother really wanted me to baptize the twins. My husband and I could care less. It's not like we are going to raise these kids in the church. Hell, the church doesn't even think they should exist! I had a really hard time paying money to a church to have a baptism for two kids that God doesn't even think should be alive. I think that organized religion was created out of fear and the need to create guidelines to control society. So yes, I can see how religion could lead to a ridiculously scary society like the one in the book.

I have often wondered what happened to Offred after the events in the book. There was speculation in the lecture notes, but if you were to add to that speculation---what happened to her after she was taken away? Did she work with the underground? Was she pregnant? Did she try to find out what happened to Luke and her daughter? What would you want for her to accomplish (if anything)?
Oh, I'm a sap. I knew it wouldn't be in the book, but in my mind I wanted a nice happy ending all tied up with a bow. I wanted to believe that Offred got away. That she did work underground. More than anything I wanted to believe that she was reunited with her love and her child. And I really wanted to believe that she lived to see this misogynistic and repressive society collapse.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about The Handmaid's Tale? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list at The next book for book tour #9 is a non-Infertility book (otherwise known as a pepper book by the Barren Bitches) The Jane Austen Book Club by Karen Joy Fowler. The next 7 book tours (including The Jane Austen Book Club) all have author participation, so you'll be able to interact online with the authors, and ask questions about their books. All are welcome to join along. All you need is a book and blog.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Christmas Traditions

I'm going to have so many christmas related posts, because of just love this time of year. Even two years ago, when I knew that IVF was right around the corner, and we couldn't afford it, and I was dealing with the emotions of that, I still loved this time of year. For me, it represents hope, a time when ANYTHING is possible. I don't know what it is either. I'm so not religious. I don't take any of the religious aspects of Christmas into play. For me it's about family, buying gifts and bringing a smile to someone's face. It's about appreciating all the good in the past year, as the year comes to an end. It's about eating and socializing, and just waking up and smiling a little more, cause it's just that time of the year. Eric and I have always been christmas lunatics. Even in college.

I remember our first Christmas together. Well, not together as in dating, together as in knowing each other. We were 18 and 19, and it was freshman year, 1992, Trenton State College. Me and my roomate Aimee decorated our room like crazy people with Christmas lights everywhere and snowflakes hanging from our ceiling and Christmas music playing 24X7. And we all went to the movies to see A Muppet Christmas Carol. And me and Aimee dressed in red and white and attached bells to our shoes. No, that's not a joke. We really did that. And we sang Christmas carols in Eric and Chris's dorm room. And it was so fun. Everything about it. I still remember what I got Eric, James Taylor's Greatest Hits CD. He loved it. Still does.

Every year since 1992 we have celebrated Christmas in some way together. In the beginning it was always with all of our friends. Sometimes with the people we were dating at the time. We started a tradition our junior year in college of baking Christmas cookies together. I lived off campus in an apartment with Eric and his roomate when he was on campus, Chris. These two guys were my best friends all through college. Still are. 8-). And that first year, Chris's girlfriend Megan and Bill and Eric, our other friends cooked with us too. Senior year, I missed the cookie baking. But once we left college, the tradition continued. After a while it was just me and Eric and Chris, and whoever we were with at the time. Megan was always there, because she and Chris stayed together and are currently married. So she's been a fixture. Eric brought his girlfriend, I brought my boyfriend, every once in a while Bill and Eric were there. But always me and Chris and Eric and Megan. And that's how it continues. For a while it was just the four of us. Then 5, once Chris and Megan had our beautiful god daughter Ali. This year it's been crazy, and we go from 5 to 8! We had Jake and Hailey, and they had a little boy Kai born a few weeks after the twins. It's a tradition I love so much. We play Christmas music too loud, sing along, and bake WAY too many cookies. Sometimes we watch a movie, sometimes we don't. We just celebrate the season together, and reminisce about the past 15 years that we've kept this tradition alive.

Our friendship with Chris and Megan is so special. Eric and Chris randomly were paired together as roomates in college, and it was SO perfect, and they ended up being just the best of friends. We met Megan freshman year as well, as she was Chris's high school sweetheart. And although she didn't go to college with us, sometimes I forget that and think she did. Because she was always there. 8-). We have all been through so much together. Eric and I were both in their wedding. I was a groomswoman. That was very cool. Chris and Megan were the first people I told when I realized that I had fallen in love with Eric. They were our biggest supporters in us finding our way back to each other. We went on vacation with them to Ireland, and it was just the funnest trip EVER. The four of us traveling through Ireland was just crazy and nutty and truly a trip I will NEVER forget. Chris was our best man when we got married, and Megan was one of our bridesmaids. Eric and I are Ali's godparents. And although due to location, we don't see each other nearly as much as we should, this time of year makes me think about them so much. Cookie Day is Dec 22nd. I can't wait. I know you guys read this, and I just wanted to let you know how super important you are to me and Eric. We love you. Can't wait for Cookie Day!

Ok, enough of the sap. Eric is off this month, taking advantage of the Family Leave Act to chill with the kids. I'm still on my part time schedule, so Wednesday we were both home together. We took the kids to the mall to see Santa. They did very well. They didn't smile for the pics, but no crying, so that's something right?? So I will leave with you some pictures. Happy Holidays everyone!
Santa and the Twins




Wednesday, December 5, 2007

How do I love you? Let me count the ways ...

Happy Anniversary my love! 4 years ago, we were married. By far and away it was the best day of my life. I didn't necessarily realize it at the time, given that it was like a blizzard in New Jersey and I was basically cursing at everyone because I was so stressed out about the weather. I got ready at my parents house, as I watched the snow coming down in the background. It was like a movie, it looked so beautiful outside. But then the snow just wouldn't stop. And the limo didn't show up to pick up the girls. And the Rolls Royce basically slid down my street to pick up me and my dad. And I had to wear my brothers dirty black snow boats with my wedding dress. And I had to leave with my dad, and leave all my bridesmaids and my mom behind so I could get to the church on time. And my mom had to ask a neighbor, who she had NEVER spoken to, to drive half my bridesmaids to the church. And the Rolls Royce driver had to use a NAPKIN to clean the windsheild during the ride, because the defrost didn't work.

And when I finally made it to the church, I got in a fight with the limo driver who never showed up. And there was no one in the church. Out of the 150 guests we invited, there were like 20 people at the church.

But you were there. And both of our families made it to the church finally. And from that point on, it was my fairy tale. I wanted to sprint down that aisle to get to you, but I figured I might as well milk that walk down the aisle, because it was the only time I would ever take that walk. And once I saw you standing there looking at me, all the rest of the stupid craziness went away. You are my best friend, my biggest supporter, my strength, my conscience, my soul mate. You accept all my many flaws, and make me feel like the most beautiful, the most loved, the most important person on a daily basis.

Our wedding day was so wonderful. After the church, and with so few people there, I was sure that there would be no one at the reception. What a joy to show up and find almost all of our guests there! People really traveled so far and through really treacherous weather to be a part of the most special day of our lives.

I don't know what I did in this life to deserve you, but I'm so glad I did it. I am at a loss to find the words to express my love for you. Although a few do come to mind. Or, at least the words to our wedding song do.

The Luckiest
I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am, I am, I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know

That I am, I am, I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know

That I am, I am, I am
The luckiest

-Ben Folds-

Although I didn't think I could love you more than I did that day, I was wrong. Every day with you has been amazing. I've just come to love you more. And now, seeing you as a father, has just been amazing. I always knew I got the best guy out there, but I had no idea how great until we had our children. You have been 100% a part of this entire journey. From giving me all my shots, to holding my hand during my entire crazy pregnancy, to diaper changes, midnight feedings (and 2am, 4am, etc), baths, spit ups, just everything. I can't count the number of times you have told me to go out for the day and enjoy myself and you stayed with the kids by yourself. And your comment was always "They are my children too. I want to be fully able to take care of them." You were never the type of husband to stand by the side and let me take care of everything. You never expected me to do more than you. You WANTED to be involved in every single step. I don't think I ever felt that our partnership was stronger than I do now. You are amazing in more ways than I can count, remember, or type. So to finish this, Thank you for never stopping loving me after all those years of friendship. Thank you for telling me you loved me in a castle in Ireland. Thank you so much for proposing to me on a rainy night sitting on the edge of Lake George. Thank you for marrying me in a blizzard in New Jersey. Thank you for honeymooning with me in beautiful Hawaii. Thank you for building a life with me in our wonderful home. Thank you for sharing this amazing journey with me. Thank you for giving me your heart, your soul, your life. Today and always. I love you.

Me and my love

One Loving Couple