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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Primary vs Secondary.

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately that are discussing primary vs secondary infertility, and the measure of pain. Who's pain is worse? A primary infertile has no biological kids I think. I'm not sure how it works when someone adopts. I don't know if they are still considered primary. It's all very confusing. Secondary infertility is anyone that has biological children and is still dealing with infertility. I guess that now makes me a secondary, even though I have a hard time with that. Secondary infertility to me was someone who is NOW dealing with infertility after having no problem getting pregnant in the past. But hey, damned if I know all the rules.

Anyway, the question was, is it more painful to be a primary than a secondary? Should you be happy with the biological child you have, and not complain about the second baby you are having a hard time conceiving (or third, fourth, etc)?

I have no idea. People constantly tell me how lucky I am. I got pregnant on my first IVF. I had my first doctor's appt with my RE on April 5th. Exactly 1 year before my twins were born. And I had a boy and a girl. How much luckier does it get?

Well, I don't know. I'm thankful. That I will admit. Thankful for my family who paid for this, thankful for my doctors who in my mind are the true miracle workers and thankful for my amazing husband who walked this journey with me. But lucky? That I'm not so sure about. Lucky gets pregnant without paying for it. Lucky doesn't have to try for over a year with no success. Lucky doesn't have to give themselves 3 shots a day. Lucky doesn't cry every day thinking about the baby they aren't sure they are ever going to be able to have. Lucky doesn't get pregnant and spend the entire 8 months worrying that something bad is going to happen. Ah, to be fertile and naive and think that sex = pregnant = 9 month later you have a baby.

So back to the original question. I just think it's super different. Primary infertility is so hard, cause you want something so badly that you feel like you can't have. But with secondary, you KNOW how good it is, and you want MORE so badly! It sucks either way. But then I have to be honest, truly honest, and say it's worse to be a primary. Because you just haven't gotten there yet.

What sucks is that there are people out there popping out kids without a second thought (Nicole Richie, Britney, etc) and there are all these amazing women who would give anything for just one. And we have to watch these crazy drugged out celebs pop out babies for their nannies to raise.

But here's where the complications occur. So just say you eventually get pregnant through all your treatments and take home that elusive "baby". You have one, and become a secondary. But then you realize, that's not what you wanted your family to be. You wanted more than 1 child. And suddenly you are a secondary who isn't just appreciating the child they have. You are asking for more! Ah, the battle between primary and secondary. And it's so unfair because you shouldn't have to chose. If you want a family of 10 you shouldn't have to compromise that wish. But then the infertility curse shows up! Plans be damned!

So, things worked out well for me. But what if I wanted 3 kids, or 4 kids? Am I selfish for not being satisfied? I don't think so. I would ALWAYS appreciate the children I have. But just because I rolled the unlucky dice and turned up infertile doesn't mean I should have to compromise what I want. What if I had two boys, or two girls, and really wanted to try for the other sex? Is that selfish? I don't think so.

Infertility doesn't leave you just because you have a child or children. I still get bitter when I see a pregnant woman. When someone tells me how they got pregnant the first month they tried, I still have to bite my tongue. Having Jake and Hailey didn't take all that away for me. I wish they had. But I feel like once it's there, it always is. It's not that I'm not happy for other people, of course I am. But it feels very unfair for something to come so easily for one person, and so hard for someone else. So again, it's hard for me to consider myself "lucky".

I do have two beautiful kids. And for that I will be forever thankful. I just hope that all those women out there who are primaries get there too. Whether you have a biological or adoptive child, if you want to be a mom, you should be able to be a mom. And for all your secondaries, keep it up! If you want 5 kids, go get them! Have them, or adopt them, or whatever you need to do. Don't feel like you have to change what you want in life because of the crap infertility hand we got dealt.

Hang in there guys.


topcat said...

I LOVE that post! I feel guilty for already having a son - but, the ache of IF doesn't discriminate.

Your babies are so beautiful!! :)

Caro said...

Well said.

Courtney said...

You have two beautiful little ones!

As far as the primary and secondary argument goes, it all just hurts the same I think.

MoMo said...

I feel the same way. I know I want another one, but I can't figure where I really fit it. I think it hurts either way--I just feel like we can never escape IF.

You have beautiful children!!!

June Bug Momma said...

Great post! ;o) I do not suffer from infertility but I think it hurts equally. I think you are truely blessed to have boy/girl twins of your own blood! They are simply precious!

Fertilize Me said...

BRAVA!! well stated

Susan said...

Hello. Your babies are beautiful!! I think that IF is for the birds no matter how you are dealing with it. I do have a daughter from my first marriage. I left when I was two months pregnant because he was abusive. I met my wonderful DH two years later and we we TTC for a almost a year before we were diagnosed with severe MF. I would very much like to experience pregnancy in a loving realtionship but no dice yet. We will be trying IVF next spring when our finances will be better. My DH gets upset that the IF falls on his side. He really wants to experience that also.