Ashamed

I was a jerk about this whole IVF thing at the beginning. When Eric and I found out that we needed to go through IVF, we only shared it with a few people. I told my family and Eric's family, and I shared it with one of my friends. That was it. And the reason that I didn't share it with a lot of people was because I was ashamed and embarrassed. I felt like I didn't want to share with all these people the problems we were having, kind of like my body was a failure and I was embarrassed to admit it. Also, it seemed like everyone I knew was trying to get pregnant, and it was easier for me to say "Oh, we aren't even trying!" then to tell everyone about all of our problems.

But then it worked, and that's where it got weird. If we had ended up pregnant with a singleton, I don't think one person would have asked us how we got pregnant. But almost everyone in the world asked "Oh, do twins run in your family?". Uh, no. And then some people point blank asked "Was it natural or fertility?". Which made me REALLY uncomfortable. Some of my closest friends in the world didn't know yet, was I going to tell a random stranger? So I lied. I lied to a lot of people and said "Oh, it was just a total surprise!". Ugh.

And then someone said to me in response to my "total surprise" lie that we were "so lucky". That damn word again. And I realized that it was stupid to lie. I realized that maybe one day I would be telling someone who was also battling infertility and was trying to get pregnant. Maybe it would totally ruin their day to hear how me and my husband just randomly got pregnant, with twins, no less! I just realized how bad I felt, how sad I felt, whenever someone told me about how they were pregnant. It felt like a constant reminder of all the people who could easily accomplish something that we couldn't. And I didn't want to be that to someone else. I wanted to be the person that this stranger turned to and said "really, you went through IVF? We might have to do that too. Can I ask you some questions?"

I feel like a schmuck for lying, and I feel even worse for feeling ashamed of what we went through. Now I almost wear it like a badge of honor. I'm so proud of what Eric and I went through to have our family. I'm so proud of my perfect little kids. Now I find myself telling all sorts of people. It's like a total flip on how I originally felt. Because it is nothing to be ashamed of. It's not like I chose infertility. And how can I get upset about all the people who make comments like "Oh, we just rolled over and she got pregnant!" if they don't know the hardships we were going through. People don't know to show a little sensitivity if they don't know that you are going through something hard.

I'm curious to hear if anyone else went through this. The feeling of just not wanting to share such a personal part of your life with everyone. And not wanting the fact that you are dealing with infertility be your identity. I didn't want to be "oh, that's Eric and Erica. They are dealing with 'infertility'" and have that be our identity. Or have everyone feel sorry for us. I don't know. Maybe now it's easier for me to be so open and honest about it because it was a success for us. Maybe if our first cycle had failed, I wouldn't have shared anything with anyone, and would still be going through this sharing it with limited people. I'm not really sure. I want to think that I would have come to my senses even if I hadn't ended up pregnant. I hope so.

On a side note, we went to a picnic at Eric's grandmother's housing place on Saturday and it was very fun to get all the kids together. Here are a few pictures from the event.


Oh, and did I mention that I'm a psycho and bought Hailey the cutest thing ever! You can see it here. Yes, I did pay $60 for that!

Enjoy,
Erica and Eric