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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

To comment or not to comment ...

So, I am an AVID blog reader. Seriously. I read tons of blogs, plus I'm always checking out CycleSista to see who is cycling, and try to offer support. Sometimes I'll just peruse random groups on Mel's blog and read people's blogs. It's super interesting to me. I love to read all the different stories, hear the different perspectives. I find myself nodding in agreement, crying in sympathy, laughing at all the funny anecdotes and celebrating with all the good news.

But here's the issue. A lot of times I want to comment. I want to offer support, or advice, or just a kind word. But I'm SO hesitant. Not always. I mean, if the blog is a mommy blog, especially a twin blog, I'm quick to comment. Even if the blogger is now pregnant, I'll comment. But if not, I hesitate. I second guess it. I worry. I hate the thought of someone having a bad day, getting a comment from me, and then clicking on that little link. And BOOM! The Dunn Family! With two chubby faced kids smiling all over my blog. It's like the worst thing ever for lots of woman to see. I wish I could put a disclaimer in my comment like "Hey, I've got kids. Don't go to my blog if you don't want to see them." But that would be just weird. And if I did that, then I would be mentioning kids, and that might be just as bad.

Like in the Lost and Found, sometimes there are bloggers in need of support. The whole premise of the Lost and Found is to read and support. And yet, I hesitate in supporting. Because I don't want to make it worse. I don't want to comment on a blog when someone just experienced a loss, and have them click my link and see my kids.

So what do you all do? How do you feel on the matter? Helen wrote an amazing post about this that she submitted for the Creme de la Creme. (Great choice by the way!) It's basically about the haves versus the have-nots, even in the infertility world. I think you can basically figure out the basis of it. The haves have kids. The have nots do not. Makes me sad that even as a community there is a virtual line drawn in the sand to still separate us. I'm not saying I don't understand it, but I wish it wasn't that way. But that being said, I know it isn't anything personal. There are many blogs I comment on, and I often wonder if they don't comment back simply because they choose not to read "mommy" blogs. I'm ok with that. I truly am. I understand that sometimes you just aren't in a place to read about babies and the cute things they are doing. I guess I just wish there was a way for me to know if it's ok for me to comment, and still offer support.

Erica

13 comments:

MoMo said...

it is a fine line...I think there is always that feeling of "pang" for people who are still trying and suffering the roller coaster. My readership went way down once I got P-it was difficult at first, but I understand why people stop reading. I felt bad commenting on people's blog when I was pregnant-I felt like they didn't want to hear from me.
I think you should comment whenever you want to-I know people want the support-especially when they are hurting and going thru a rough time. Even if they don't comment back, I am pretty sure they appreciate your kind words.

Stacie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stacie said...

The previous comment was from me. Sorry!

I struggle with this, too. It is so hard to know when the comments I am about to leave will hurt someone more than help them when they link back to me. I guess I tend to believe that others have good intentions for the most part, and know that I do, too, and so I leave comments when I feel I can contribute.

That being said, there are a lot of times when I have nothing to offer. When I am just at a loss at how to respond, I wimp out and say nothing. Not the best way to go, but I am guilty of it. I am trying my hardest to stop that, though!

June Bug Momma said...

Oh... I can SOOOOO relate to your post!! I often do not comment on blogs whom are still TTC just because I now have a bouncing beautiful baby girl now. I even had to password protect my blog because I was getting some pretty hurtful comments from a a few on-line forum board members who somehow found my blog, which really hurt. ;o( *hugs*

tryingin2007 said...

I love all your comments! your support is much appreciated! thank you!

xavier2001 said...

I'm really glad you posted this, because I feel the same way. Sometimes I will leave a comment as a guest, so that they won't click to my blog and get hurt, but I don't know how true to myself or to them I am being. I'm interested as to what others have to say on the topic

Helen said...

I too feel like I can't leave comments, only because I don't want people to hurt. My readership also went way down on my IVF blog when I finally had a viable pregnancy - it's hard, because you want to be there for someone, but you don't want to make it worse.

singletracey said...

I appreciated the support you gave me when I was cycling and I love the fact that you still read up on and comment now! I can be a bad and reading and not commenting.. I don't know why.. something I can't think of anything to say, sometimes I just can't relate to a post and feel I offer nothing to it.

Anyway.. I say keep commenting. When I had my m/c in May. The comments got me through it. No matter who they were from :-)

Tracey~

Gemini Girl said...

I understand that as well. You know what though- When I was going through IVF- the comments and support that I recieved from others (who were now moms after having ivf) really made me feel positive.

Waiting Amy said...

I agree, I was happy to see your comment. And I always tried to see those with children as the hopeful success stories. I've gone through 2ndary IF and had to take my toddler-preschooler son to many of my appts. I know this is often hurtful to some, but my situation gave me no other option. I hoped they would see him as an ART success (although he is not). Anyway, I'm saying I understand your worries.

I'll be back, since expecting twins now I need a whole new support group!

Mrs.X said...

Hi - I think it is really personal to the individual blogger whether they want to see stuff. In all honesty, they don't have to click on your link. I think what you say is probably more important to most people than anything. Personally, I love reading blogs by people with children because it gives me some good perspective for when I do get there. I still can't read pregnancy blogs, whether the person had IF for 10 years or not. It's just too painful.

~Easy said...

This whole genre of IVF blogging has opened my eyes to an entire subculture I had no idea existed. As a man who's wife had two children, we never went through any of this, and quite honestly we had no concept of what it was like. I was indifferent to the whole thing before, but it's been all very thought provoking for me.

Unlike many bloggers, I don't stop with the first entry when I check out a new blog. I read the whole page and I comment when a post moves me to. Life is too short to worry about someone being offended by a show of support--this comment would be a perfect example.

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