Barren Bitches Book Brigade #7: Happiness Sold Separately

So, here is my first turn on the Barren Bitches Book Tour. This month we read Happiness Sold Separately by Lolly Winston. The basic rules of the tour are read the book, submit a question, get the entire list of questions that everyone submitted, answer a couple of them in a post, thus starting a discussion about the book. All books have some sort of theme related to infertility/adoption/child bearing etc.

Anyway, the book was about a husband and wife, Elinor and Ted, who are dealing with infertility. It's put a strain on their marriage, and right at the beginning of the book, Elinor overhears her husband on the phone, and realizes that he is having an affair with his younger, healthier personal trainer from the gym. The story evolves as Elinor confronts Ted and leaves him, he breaks it off with the trainer, Gina, and attempts to reconcile with his wife. They both deal with the obstacles of trying to work out their relationship, while Ted still sees Gina, and finds out she has a son Toby that he didn't know about from a previous relationship. To add insult to injury, Ted falls in love with Toby and they form a relationship. Elinor spontaneously without treatment ends up pregnant with her husband's child, which causes them to try and save their marriage. Unfortunately, she loses the baby. The ending is left somewhat ambiguous, but I think it's obvious that Elinor and Ted are through, and he is going to go back to Gina. Now to the questions:

Elinor seemed to turn all of her books on the subject of infertility backwards on the bookshelves, where Roger found them while cleaning. Why do you think she did so? In what ways do you think people who are struggling with infertility help in keeping infertility such a "taboo" topic? Do you see infertility ever becoming a more accepted or understood topic?
Well, this question kinda touched close to home, because I was very secretive about going through our infertility treatments. Why? I'm not really sure. On one hand I think it was the embarrassment of feeling like I was failing at something that so easily comes to other people. But I think it also had to do with the fact that if I tell 50 people that we are going through treatment, then it's 50 people that I have to call and tell that it didn't work. I mean, when "regular" people get pregnant, they don't call their friends and have to say "Hey, got my period, didn't work this month". Then don't have all their hopes and fears pinned on one months worth of medication and medical procedures. And it's bad enough to have to deal with the reality of a failed cycle, but then to have to tell everyone and their mom about it? I think it's just too much. So I'm not sure if it's a taboo subject, or just a really personal and private one.

I also think that a lot of people feel it's their right to give you their opinion or point of view on medical fertility treatment. Seriously, if someone told you they were trying to get pregnant by having sex with their husband or wife, would anyone ever say "Really? Cause you guys are kinda stupid and irresponsible, maybe you shouldn't have kids right now." Of course not! But tell someone you are going trying to get pregnant medically, and they will come out with all types of opinions. Like religious ones about how it's unnatural and the church does not support fertility treatments. Or my favorite "How can you do that? You don't feel bad about all your babies that you didn't transfer and just died?". People don't say to fertile couples "Oh, you didn't try to get pregnant this month? Well that's just half a baby you killed! What a wasted egg!" Oh well, I could go on about this for hours ... Next question ...

The book explores different kinds of love. It seems that their battle with fertility (and really Elinor's battle with herself) has changed the type of love Ted feels for his wife. Has your journey with infertility and/or loss changed the love between you and your spouse?
I think that any issue in a marriage can go one of two ways. Either bring the couple closer, or push them further apart. Elinor turned inside with her pain, and instead of leaning on her husband, she withdrew from him. It was really hard for me to understand this part of the book, because it was just so far from my own experience. If I didn't have my husband to lean on, I never would have made it through the process. He is my best friend, my sounding board, my strength. He took care of me in my darkest and saddest moments, and I like to think that I did the same for him. I can easily see that if your marriage isn't in a good or strong place, how an issue like infertility can tear you apart. First of all, it completely taints the physical aspect of your relationship. Sex becomes about trying to get pregnant, and the more you fail at it, the less you want to try. So your sex life suffers. And I think the feelings of guilt are really hard to deal with. The person who has the issue, be it male or female factor, feels like they did something wrong to have made them infertile. And then they wonder if their spouse resents the fact that there is something wrong with them. I think it's such an emotional thing, it's really easy to just want to hide inside yourself. And when you do that, you pull away from the other person. I feel lucky that we were only on the IVF roller coaster for a relatively short ride. But I know that if I had to take that ride again, I have an amazing partner who would support me the whole ride.

The end of the book was left open to the reader. Do you think that Elinor and Ted stayed together, or that they really finally separate? Did she pursue adoption on her own, or did they do another round of IVF with PGD? Do you think she ended up happy, or did she continue to struggle?
I think that Elinor and Ted split at the end. When all was said and done, to me it seemed like their marraige was over. I think he went back to try and make it work because she got pregnant. I think Ted fell in love with Gina. And I think Elinor decided that the most important thing to her was to be a mom, and that had nothing to do with Ted. I like to think that she was going to pursue adoption on her own.

I liked this book, but I did have a hard time sympathizing with all the characters, and I think the author wanted us to. She tried to show Elinors feelings, but also her flaws. At first I disliked Ted, but then she showed how he was driven to a point where he didn't think he was in a marriage anymore. Gina, at first, was just the other woman, but then you see into her life, and how she felt and what she was dealing with. And lastly, there was Gina's son Toby who got stuck in the middle, who loved Ted and wanted him to be a part of his life, which killed Elinor. Knowing that the one thing she couldn't give Ted, his mistress could. All that aside, I never sympathized with Gina. I just couldn't. I just feel like at the end of the day, a married man is off limits. You just don't go there. And same with Ted. Work on your marriage, or end your marriage, but don't cheat. I don't know, it was just hard for me to be ok with anything they did. The saddest thing for me was that in the end, it seemed like infertility drove them apart. Infertility is something that no one asks for, and it saddened me that the book made it seem like their marriage was good and solid until they started dealing with their infertility. I hope this doesn't happen to a lot of people. Infertility is hard enough to deal with. I hate to think that it can get so bad, it can ruin a whole marriage. I guess mostly I can just be thankful for the husband I have. Because for me it was the total opposite. I would have been disasterous WITHOUT my husband. He's my lifesaver. And that ends my first book tour.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about Happiness Sold Separately? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #8 (The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.